Gone

There’s an infinite amount of competition, but probably the worst thing about hating every last fibre of your own being, is that nothing in life is ever anyone else’s fault. This is the perfect relationship of course, for anyone who knows you, because it basically gives them a 007/Monolopoly card ‘privilege’ to do whatever they want in relation to your life and not have to worry, because when it comes to the crunch situation, they don’t have to worry too much because I’ll blame myself every single time, and the thought that someone else is at fault won’t cross my mind. It is a solid gold, nugget-in-an-Enid Blyton adventure fact above all facts, an indelible truth, a certifiable statement of certainty, that you, yourself is in some way wholly to blame for the circumstances. For example, for every break up or kick-into-touch I’ve been on the receiving end of, and there have been enough now to count on both my hands, it has in some way been laid on the shoulders or myself. Brilliant! This has mistakenly led me to believe that in every relationship that grinds to a staggering halt like a runaway train diving over a cliff into the ocean, it’s not the fault of the protagonist of the break-up (which it obviously is!) but the fault of the the person who loss the toss and elected to receive. This is of course, because of the break-up speech. The break-up speech is a hilarious facet of the modern world. In ancient times, or at least, BBC adaptations of ancient times, the speech takes the form of a well crafted quill-and-ink paen to lost love “oh my darling sweetheart, you’ll always have a place in my soul, but I fear I must leave. The war is calling, my sweet, and should I not return, be sure that the whisper of your heart will always be on the wind blowing through the trenches, and I will find you, my love” and so forth. These days it’s like “Oh I really want to be your friend to ease my guilt, but seriously, I just really need to be on my own for a while” or “it’s just not working”. Both of these obviously translate into plain speaking English as “I need to be on my own because I really fancy someone else, and obviously I can’t go and persue them with you still being my boyfriend and all” or “it’s not working because I’ve been knobbing someone else and it’s caused a malfunction in my ability to two-time people, and I’m really a one-man girl”. Basically, nobody in the 21st century, it seems, breaks up with someone for legitimate reasons. I’m holding out for my next failed relationship, just because I’m now prepossessed with a function to fill in the words for them person in question. Like when you’re typing in your email address on a computer with all your settings saved, and it fills in the rest of the words for you. The next one had better be well crafted and romantic, otherwise I won’t be amused. I won’t be amused anyway, but at least I’ll admire your creativity.