Out There

Sandwich of the year already. Not many people have responded to the concept positively, but stick with me on this one. It's not much of a winner for you anticapitalists out there, but the ingredients (Tesco 'Healthy Living' (ie made of cheese-scented edible latex) cheese; a spoonful of Tesco brand mint sauce, and freshly cooked onions straight from the pan (or better still, straight from someone elses pan since then you don't have to waste time cooking anything). Slap aforementioned cheese and onions on a piece of bread, liberally spreading the mint sauce with the back of a teaspoon onto the surface of another slice. Fuck butter and margerine because that's for dimwits who can't even produce their own saliva Cut into relevant shape depending on your mental age (ie triangles if you're three years old and eat off a red plastic tray with a built in flask holder) and hey presto, you have one hell of a sandwich, combining the four essential food groups (cheese, warm bits, mint sauce, bread) in a frothy combination of tang, chew and nasal hum. For less hardened thrillseekers, there is also the double-dip sandwich, which is basically the same, but replacing the onions with a fat chunk of honey and mustard dressing and/or any other substance featuring the word 'dressing' found in the fridge. It's again, a tough manoeuvre, due to honey and mustard dressing's tendancy to leave it's parent bottle as it sees fit depending on whether it's that time of the month or not, resulting in what expects call a 'sham sandwich', that is, one which has outsauced itself into a wet, dripping, quivering mass. It's why people don't put soup in a sandwich, and why extra care needs to be taken in preperation of the 'double dip'.
"This truly is a marvellous sandwich. I ate it every day on the set of 3:10 to Yuma" - Christian Bale



Here are some interesting things that have so far made 2008 a dangerously fascinating year.



Kiefer Sutherland is a buffoon. This is not new news, insurmount that most people who aren't popcorn-hunking '24' nutjobs (of which there must now be about three and I doubt any of them even know what channel it's on) are aware of this anyway. Nor is my discovery of him being a buffoon a revelation - I had my inklings. Amazingly, the place where I found out he was a tremendous prat a new thing - it was in a 2006 copy of the Radio Times. On the same page as Andrew Collins laughably inaccurate Bafta predictions (Don Cheadle!) was a three-question interview with our man Kiefer. Question 1: "What was your favourite acting performance of the year" (answer: "I've gotta say my dad, in Pride and Prejudice") Question 2: What actors/actresses do you most admire? (answer: You're expecting me to say my dad again aren't you? Well, He's been the greatest inspiration...). The killer blow was Question 3: "If you could have appeared in any film or played any part in a film in history, what would it be?" The answer: "That's got to be Don't Look Now". The reason? "My dad was awesome in that, I'd love to do a film with my dad one day". However, I saw the film 'Phone Booth' featuring our man Kiefer, last Sunday, and it was 90 minutes of hilarious entertaining claptrap, so I'l forgive him a minor slice of dad love.



Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall has made me switch from chicken to imitation chicken quorn, and this kicks ten shades of chicken shit out of any bird I've ever tasted.



For no reason other than blatantly sexist marketing capaigning, a load of crummy old (and crummy recent) crap arsed feature films, soundtracks and knobbed-together Greatest Hits Cds are being repackaged in pink sleeves with flowers, vine leaves and butterflies on, and being flogged to appeal directly to girls, with the slogan 'girls night in', all handpicked to promote this pathetic excuse for an idea: http://www.songygirlsnightin.co.uk. There are many flaws in the concept. The gender stereotyping is horrendous, suggesting that girls basically want to watch crap rom-coms and listen to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack, all love the colour pink, and want to win a makeover at the hands of the same 50 year old twat whose dated concept of males and females dicated this sorry situation. Surely not. Secondly, they're alienating half their potential market. For instance, a man wanting to buy '13 Going on 30' because, oh I don't know, they want to have a wank over the concept of Jennifer Garner having the uninhibited mind of an illegal sexual conquest, they're going to be put off the pink packaging because they'll look gay, rather than just a homophobic berk with dubious sexual morals.Thirdly, is anyone sufficiently contrived enough to want Sony to dictate the rest of their lives? My favourite thing about the entire debacle, is that on the 'new' pink sleeve for the deluxe edition of the Top Gun soundtrack (now with a whole bunch of ridiculous 80s power ballads that have fuck all to do with Top Gun tacked onto the end), they've managed to misspell REO Speedwagon, as "Red Speedwaggon". One too many swigs of the peach schnapps, surely.



Disappointments aren't so bad when other people share them. And it's good to know that re: Okkervil River, Jens Lekman, Arcade Fire et al, I wasn't the only one.