After last night, I'm going to put to bed my ludicrous overambitious plans to impress the pretty girl who works in the Tesco round the corner from me. I'm not entirely sure why I was ever trying to impress her in the first place, but whatever the reason, this has got to stop. The first reason is because I've found myself buying the polar opposite of what I was intending to buy whenever I notice she's on the checkout. So obviously when I step in to buy eight cans of White Ace and a packet of cigarettes, as soon as her prescence radiates from behind the stacks of Wrigleys, all that's out the window, and I buy useless stuff I don't really want, and then hot foot it across the road to check out my vices for the evening, Let's look at the evidence. Last night, I bought the following.
1. Tin of Chilli (so girl thinks I have faintly exotic tastes)
2. Naan Bread (as above, but I'm confident to cook my own rather than resort to buying takeaways, like less good people)
3. Carton of orange (so girl thinks I get my five-a-day)
4. Small bottle of Smirnoff (so girl thinks I'm a sophisticated drinker. Little does she know I used it with the orange juice and drunk it whilst swearing at 'Kingdom of Heaven'
5. Bottle of washing up liquid I didn't need (so girl thinks I'm domesticated and tidy)
6. Block of Tesco 'Healthy Living' cheese (so girl thinks I care about eating well)
7. Scotch Egg (so girl is aware of my 'signature' food)
It firstly went wrong when I dropped half of it on the floor next to the Doritos because I thought was macho and forward-thinking anough to think that by having the naan breads at the bottom of my pile of consumables, I could balance the rest on top without dropping any of them. Boy, was I wrong. Another customer had to pick up the washing up liquid for me, which was very nice of them, so I decided to thank them by walking into them whilst they were looking at what looked like the pregnancy testers, causing them to stand on my feet and almost resulting in me dropping the washing up liquid a second time, Then I didn't even get served by the girl anyway, I got served by the same man who serves me almost every time I go in, which is pretty much every other day, and I know he knows I don't have a clubcard, and I'd be more than happy to tell him that if I ever were going to take to plunge, bite the bullet, and enter the unknown and set up a clubcard, it would almost certainly be with him, because he's the person who serves me every time I'm in there. Often, I wonder if he has fly or mosquito vision and only sees in hexagons or has fucked up cones and rods and can't tell that I'm probably the only ill-shaven twat with bad makeup and rotting red/orange dye in my rancid fading bleached brown hair and pretty much exclusively ways to accelerate my death from there. Lucky him. Anyway, I didn't get served by the girl, but I did completely ignore my cashier to listen in on the girls conversation, which was with another memeber of staff, and revolved exclusively around what I'm going to assume is her new boyfriend, and the exciting moment when she gets to introduce him to her housemates. I'm assuming it was a boyfriend, as you could await with similar anticipation if you were introducing say, your cousin Colin Farrell to your housemates, or your newly adopted dog, but it's unlikely. She wasn't Irish. So I cut my losses, and am going to put to bed my, frankly minimal expectations that she might drop everything mid-shift, and say "you're EXACTLY the person I've been looking for to change my life, random scotch egg buying customer".
Instead, I went home as stated above, and watched Kingdom of Heaven, which is probably one of the worst films I've ever seen, despite having Edward Norton as a masked Marlon Brando-impresonating Leper. It did, however, give my inspiration for a blockbusting Hollywood megapicture. Coming to screens near you in 2012...
'As Themselves'
Tagline: 'A Cast of Thousands Have Finally Landed Their Dream Role... As Themselves"'
Synopsis: After a freak unexplained environmental mishap disrupts a cinema multiplex during 'Classics Weekend', the lead actors and actresses on screen find themselves having to act out their on-screen roles in real life in order to escape the film.
Starring: Kevin Costner, Johnny Depp Orlando Bloom, Peter O' Toole, Michael Madsen, Daniel Day-Lewis, Anthony Hopkins,Mel Gibson, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Plot: Hundreds of people descend of a multiplex in Daytonm, Ohio for 'Classics Weekend', an annual festival where moviegoers can see all their favourite films (and 'Junior') in one cinema. After a freak unexplained envionmental mishap, a loop in time and reality causes the lead actors and actresses of each film to tranport themselves into the position of their character, and have to act out their role in real life in order to escape the time and reaity loop that has been created. In modern-day Jerusalem, Orlando Bloom has to defend the city of Jerusalem from Palestinian attack, using only swords, catapults, and hopeless motivation techniques. Meanwhile, Daniel Day Lewis has a comparitavely easy ride composing literature and painting with his left foot (a technique already mastered through method acting). Elsewhere, Johnny Depp and Kevin Costner, as Robin Hood and Sweeney Todd, must each track down, and murder, a schizophrenic Alan Rickman; Michael Madsen faces a moral dilemma where he has to torch a local law enforncement office, and Anthony Hopkins must escape from a secure isolation unit by eating members of the security department. Peter O' Toole and Mel Gibson both have rough journeys, as 21st century Glasgow becomes a battleground for William Wallace and his army, and O' Toole has an epic struggle after being transported to the heart of the desert. Arnold Schwarzenegger discovers he is pregnant. 'As Themselves' packs an emotional punch, as a story of redemption, as many actors an actresses rue not working hard enough preparing for their role to escape from it. Certificate 18.
Influences: Quantum Leap, Last Action Hero, Curb Your Enthusasm.
1. Tin of Chilli (so girl thinks I have faintly exotic tastes)
2. Naan Bread (as above, but I'm confident to cook my own rather than resort to buying takeaways, like less good people)
3. Carton of orange (so girl thinks I get my five-a-day)
4. Small bottle of Smirnoff (so girl thinks I'm a sophisticated drinker. Little does she know I used it with the orange juice and drunk it whilst swearing at 'Kingdom of Heaven'
5. Bottle of washing up liquid I didn't need (so girl thinks I'm domesticated and tidy)
6. Block of Tesco 'Healthy Living' cheese (so girl thinks I care about eating well)
7. Scotch Egg (so girl is aware of my 'signature' food)
It firstly went wrong when I dropped half of it on the floor next to the Doritos because I thought was macho and forward-thinking anough to think that by having the naan breads at the bottom of my pile of consumables, I could balance the rest on top without dropping any of them. Boy, was I wrong. Another customer had to pick up the washing up liquid for me, which was very nice of them, so I decided to thank them by walking into them whilst they were looking at what looked like the pregnancy testers, causing them to stand on my feet and almost resulting in me dropping the washing up liquid a second time, Then I didn't even get served by the girl anyway, I got served by the same man who serves me almost every time I go in, which is pretty much every other day, and I know he knows I don't have a clubcard, and I'd be more than happy to tell him that if I ever were going to take to plunge, bite the bullet, and enter the unknown and set up a clubcard, it would almost certainly be with him, because he's the person who serves me every time I'm in there. Often, I wonder if he has fly or mosquito vision and only sees in hexagons or has fucked up cones and rods and can't tell that I'm probably the only ill-shaven twat with bad makeup and rotting red/orange dye in my rancid fading bleached brown hair and pretty much exclusively ways to accelerate my death from there. Lucky him. Anyway, I didn't get served by the girl, but I did completely ignore my cashier to listen in on the girls conversation, which was with another memeber of staff, and revolved exclusively around what I'm going to assume is her new boyfriend, and the exciting moment when she gets to introduce him to her housemates. I'm assuming it was a boyfriend, as you could await with similar anticipation if you were introducing say, your cousin Colin Farrell to your housemates, or your newly adopted dog, but it's unlikely. She wasn't Irish. So I cut my losses, and am going to put to bed my, frankly minimal expectations that she might drop everything mid-shift, and say "you're EXACTLY the person I've been looking for to change my life, random scotch egg buying customer".
Instead, I went home as stated above, and watched Kingdom of Heaven, which is probably one of the worst films I've ever seen, despite having Edward Norton as a masked Marlon Brando-impresonating Leper. It did, however, give my inspiration for a blockbusting Hollywood megapicture. Coming to screens near you in 2012...
'As Themselves'
Tagline: 'A Cast of Thousands Have Finally Landed Their Dream Role... As Themselves"'
Synopsis: After a freak unexplained environmental mishap disrupts a cinema multiplex during 'Classics Weekend', the lead actors and actresses on screen find themselves having to act out their on-screen roles in real life in order to escape the film.
Starring: Kevin Costner, Johnny Depp Orlando Bloom, Peter O' Toole, Michael Madsen, Daniel Day-Lewis, Anthony Hopkins,Mel Gibson, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Plot: Hundreds of people descend of a multiplex in Daytonm, Ohio for 'Classics Weekend', an annual festival where moviegoers can see all their favourite films (and 'Junior') in one cinema. After a freak unexplained envionmental mishap, a loop in time and reality causes the lead actors and actresses of each film to tranport themselves into the position of their character, and have to act out their role in real life in order to escape the time and reaity loop that has been created. In modern-day Jerusalem, Orlando Bloom has to defend the city of Jerusalem from Palestinian attack, using only swords, catapults, and hopeless motivation techniques. Meanwhile, Daniel Day Lewis has a comparitavely easy ride composing literature and painting with his left foot (a technique already mastered through method acting). Elsewhere, Johnny Depp and Kevin Costner, as Robin Hood and Sweeney Todd, must each track down, and murder, a schizophrenic Alan Rickman; Michael Madsen faces a moral dilemma where he has to torch a local law enforncement office, and Anthony Hopkins must escape from a secure isolation unit by eating members of the security department. Peter O' Toole and Mel Gibson both have rough journeys, as 21st century Glasgow becomes a battleground for William Wallace and his army, and O' Toole has an epic struggle after being transported to the heart of the desert. Arnold Schwarzenegger discovers he is pregnant. 'As Themselves' packs an emotional punch, as a story of redemption, as many actors an actresses rue not working hard enough preparing for their role to escape from it. Certificate 18.
Influences: Quantum Leap, Last Action Hero, Curb Your Enthusasm.
No comments:
Post a Comment